I was going to be a vegan for the summer. I got all excited about it. I planned to come up with a bunch of gluten-free, tasty vegan recipes and share them with my world. I figured maybe it would help me on my journey to certain slender-ness.
So, while planning out my first day of veganity, I ran through the drive-thru at Taco Bell and grabbed up a couple of chicken tacos in hard shells so I could think about recipes…
This is going to be harder than I once thought. As in, what I once thought a minute ago, I mentally journal-ed as I tore into the poultry flesh. (Actually, just writing the phrase “poultry-flesh” has me ready to re-commit to veganity…)
It reminds me of the times we have ordered the vegan gluten-free pizza and had them throw chicken all over it. “Are you sure…?” the woman on the other end of the phone asked in dismay. “Just do it,” we hissed back.
I. Am. Hungry. I don’t get to eat bread. It is inconvenient and expensive to keep gluten-free varieties on hand. I should not eat dairy, and so I mostly avoid it since it wreaks havoc in my system, nearly as detrimentally as wheat and gluten. I guess I wonder what the heck I am supposed to eat.
My friend and I last night devised a plan to drink liquor to get thin. We both agreed that we are waaaaaay thinner and much more beautiful when we maintain a constant mellow buzz; or not even a mellow one. We could just plan to be temporarily tipping that bottle back, drinking our meals, absolute animals in our lean curves and sensual prowess.
(That probably won’t work, either. I have a feeling it won’t anyway. And the magic-gluten-free brownie-idea is great. Except that, oh wait, it is a bad idea. Plus, my friend wants to get a job working for the state…)
Not me. I don’t want to get a job anywhere. I just want to sit around and drink wine spo-dee-o-dee-o and eat chocolate… melting off my pounds.
So realistically, I don’t have time to eat much anyway. Which is probably why I talk about food all the time. When I write stories, I think of delicious detail regarding the food my characters are eating. They get to indulge in all the things I really just can’t have.
And so, it is gluten-free bars from the grocery store, green tea, grapes, tortilla chips with salsa, and bananas. Almost every day.
Someone recently told me that humans were never meant to consume corn. Grr. I can at least eat corn. So that’s hogwash. I quipped back, “Humans were never meant to eat wheat.” The person looked at me like I was crazy. I might be a little crazy, but at that moment, I felt I’d won a crucial conversational battle.
All this to say, I am not likely to be vegan in totality. I am not likely to turn to alcoholism and weed to speed my metabolism. I am not likely to give up corn.
Instead, I am going to take advantage of the warm weather and do a lot of swimming and walking.
Although, I really do think that if I stay typsy, I will care less whether or not this is actually working…
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