You Are So Beautiful... To Me...

Can't you see?

Something really, really nice happens when you set a goal.

Tiny little things inside of you start to adapt to your new idea – your goal.

Eventually you do one of two things. Either you give up and chase a new goal, or you move in the direction of your original goal.

When it comes to pursuing health and fitness, and, honestly, the pursuit of beauty, I can say I will never give up. I believe in the validity of such pursuits.

I will not lie and tell you that beauty isn't about what you look like on the outside, and it's “all about inner strength, intelligence, personality, etc. blah-blah-blah...” Tell that to some little girl who dreams of being a princess in the pink dress! We cannot dismiss the value of outer beauty, simply because we are angry about the distortion of it in society. The basic foundation of beauty comes from within, it's true; but the fruit of that beauty can be evident on the outside, with a bit of effort. Beauty comes in many, many packages, and non-traditional faces and shapes are just as beautiful as ones we immediately recognize via media images.

Beauty, I believe, is each person being the best they can be. We can achieve this in one area, in a handful of areas, or in many areas. Some people achieve it physically, but lack in other areas (like personality or intelligent actions, for instance.) I choose to believe that these persons have inner beauty, although under-developed. A lot of times, there is so much pain and insecurity driving this person to be shallow or mean, that I can believe the depth and sweetness is hidden, instead of assuming it is non-existent.

On an extreme flip, someone who is kind and generous, but lacking what we deem as “physical beauty,” I have to believe has this physical beauty as well. It's just hidden underneath pain and insecurity – just like the inner-beauty of the carbon-copy-person.

With this belief, I choose to notice amazing qualities about myself and others, both physical and internal. I will notice a delicate nose and gorgeous eyes. I will disregard heavy legs or unflattering hair. I will embrace a person's energy to accomplish tasks in an orderly fashion, and disregard the little bites which that same person may take (sinking teeth into the hearts of others.)

The search for beauty is the search for balance. The search for balance is the search for beauty. We begin searching for either, and if we do it correctly, the outcome is both.

I have been working on this, believe it or not, for quite some time. I just began blogging about my newly ignited journey on November 14^th, 2010. My initial deadline was March 14^th, 2011, the day I will turn thirty-nine. In this time, I have written useful things right alongside silliness, proving my ability to be distracted is incredible. I want to prove my ability to re-focus is also tremendous.

I have, in the last week, begun a yoga program. I bought a DVD, actually, for $9, and a yoga mat for $9. I began trying to do it, intrigued by the calm instructor, Ashley Turner (who is from my dream-city, Los Angeles). I've found the program extremely challenging, very fulfilling, an amazing workout, and overall a healing endeavor. I will continue to do this. I, in fact, think I may have discovered a way for someone like myself to love working out even when it isn't feasible to get outside. See, when the weather is gorgeous and semi-warm, I can be found walking three, five or seven miles on any given day. I love the outdoors, and I covet my alone time with nature. It clears my head. I am a nicer mother and a better woman when I do this for myself. The power and discipline I exert over my own body when I workout is not matchable by any other high. I promise you this.

I have a high-maintenance figure. I will not lie to you. I have never been traditional “skinny.” God gave me some curves, people. I have had to work through the psychology of hating my body, being angry at my mother for my full thighs and short waist, being angry at my grandmother for my large breasts (I always wanted little “athletic” ones...) and being angry at myself for not joining track my senior year of high school after my boyfriend broke up with me and I fell into my first giant depression. (I trace my initial gain of ten pounds to this month of my life...) So, in forgiving my gene-pool and my life experiences (and even that first boyfriend), I've realized that my curves are pretty, and softness is feminine, and feminine is powerful, and I am beautiful.

How am I beautiful? Why am I beautiful? No, not because I am somehow text-book beautiful. Not at all. I think if you have been following my blog, you should realize that I don't care that much about maintaining thigh/bikini/armpit hairless-ness, and I certainly don't judge people who don't take as much care in grooming their legs and armpits as I do lately. (I laugh out loud.) However, I am truly enjoying my groomed look, and will probably keep it up. It is part of a discipline for me right now, propelling me toward a feeling of being fit and in charge.

I otherwise have long, usually unkempt hair, my make-up is half of the time “the natural look,” and the other half of the time, for the sake of performances as a musician “totally glamorous.” I appreciate both looks. My wardrobe is also mixed – either a hippie, a formal dress for performance, or a teacher-y woman – you know, slacks/skirt, blouse, sweater...

So it isn't that. It's none of that.

The beauty that I am feeling is this inner bubble of hope and peace. I don't always feel it as readily as I feel it this week, but it's there. It propels me to smile and be kind. It propels me to laugh and enjoy the moment. It gives me just enough energy to take a shower sometimes (fight the depression, people; some of you know what I mean...). This bubble is just enough to remind me that my children and their friends will see me today, so tuck in my tummy, wear some hipster jeans and a little jacket, brush my hair, and for heavens' sake put on some lipstick... (Sometimes, it's really important to be as cute as possible because it makes our children feel good. Often, even, that's the best reason.)

You know – I don't think this is shallow. When I feel good about myself because my kids are excited that I look pretty, everything about the way I conduct the rest of the day improves.

We shouldn't fight beauty. We should embrace it. We're all capable of achieving it, focusing our energy on balance and good body alignment. That is where it starts. When we are balanced, we make choices which draw us toward our best version of ourselves. I hope I have written that clearly.

This, by the way, I knew long before I started doing yoga. In fact none of what I wrote today came from the yoga program I am currently doing. I just feel inspired to cough out some things to you I was already mulling around, and they seem to be in alignment with the things being reiterated by the yoga instructor.

Setting that goal, sticking to it... sometimes the two concepts don't happen in the same week, month, or even year. Here I am, raw and open before you, letting you know that I am now finally serious about working out through these cold days. I'm embracing beauty – which, for me, includes absolutely any technique that interests me about discipline, strength, skin, and balance – and I am embracing me, good and bad. Beautifully flawed.

Until next time...

Laura Lee

Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong...

“Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong... where the eagles fly on a mountain high...”

I have decided that Brussell has an infatuation with me. Brussell is the eagle I keep “getting to see” in these boondocks I call home. (We always name our favorite birds in my family. We have a Great Blue Heron named Eve, as well.) This week's eagle-sighting was while driving westward to my home, ten miles yet from my road. My daughter, Emily, and I saw the large set of wings and the shadow of a magnificent bird gliding low across the field. I noticed, with that quick glimpse I was able to initially get, that the bird's wings were flat outstretched and not flapping. It was either a HUGE hawk, or, or...

I shrieked, unsafely swerving a little as usual, and whispered, “What was that?” Emily, finally now understanding at nearly fifteen years old that I am incredibly geeked about seeing these birds, looked closely.

“White head! White head! White head!” she cried excitedly.

“What? For real? Ohmygosh!” We pulled off the road, thankful that no one was behind us. (The snow and ice is abundant on the roads this week, so this whole ordeal was not my brightest moment on driving safety.) We watched Brussell swoop low in the field right next to us and continue to a spindly tree not far away in which he perched.

“Turn at the road right there!” Emily ordered. I did, and we pulled right up under the tree where our eagle sat.

We barely breathed, hearts beating wildly. I grabbed my daughter's hand and giggled. Brussell looked down at us. He stayed put.

“I have my camera,” Emily mentioned. (I was thinking about the FLIP video camera I'd just taken out of my purse and left on my bed earlier that day. Mental punching of self...)

“Oh! You do?” Hope rising.

“Yeah,” she smiled. She reached back and got it as I rolled our windows down. She climbed out her window and took several shots. Brussell readjusted himself a little, taking note of us. We laughed.

Then two dogs came running out of the farm house in front of which we were parked. They barked at us, yelling at our audacity to be in front of their yard. The little Pitt-Bull came close to the road and yelled the loudest, while the giant Rottweiler stayed back and gave deep-throated woofs. I think maybe he was yelling at the smaller dog to shut the heck up.

Either way, Brussell decided to leap off the tree and fly toward the north. Emily took a couple more pictures of the outstretched wings, and we waited until we couldn't see him anymore before driving the rest of the way home.

Always forever changed.

That's how I feel when I see one – Always forever changed. We saw one on Christmas Day – probably Brussell. Although I wonder if it was Beulah, his wife. Our Christmas eagle looked a little bigger. That sighting was right across the street from my home, pretty much.

All this to say: Eagles can make their bodies go out of joint in order to ride out storms. Yee-haw! I really admire the eagle, and this is just one more reasons to admire him! Or her.

Also, the eagle waits for a gust of air and rides it without struggling. This is why we see them gliding and not flapping their wings.

How smart!

Applying this: I really believe in maintaining flexibility. (We talked about this a few blogs ago.)

I know. That was round-about. (It's my blog; I can tell it my way.)

Today, I have decided to purchase a medicine ball, or whatever they are called, so I can do a free-weight program for the lower body with it. I am also going to incorporate my big exercise ball into this. I think I will do this instead of joining a gym for now, because it helps me economically.

I self-removed most of the hair on my body this last week, by the way. Yes, I do mean that hair. I used a cream hair removal. It was a no-name brand version of Nair, or something. I bought it for $1.50 at Family Dollar. I have not had any negative affects, and I plan to do it again later today to get the stragglers, now that I know my skin can handle it. I left a landing-strip (feel free to stop reading if this is hard for you...Mom...) and trimmed it with scissors.

The bottle said not to let any of the cream get “inside” of me, basically, and that's why I just used it on outside places. I have named this procedure an “extreme bikini wax without the wax.” It is not Brazilian. That will be professionally done, of course, because it's not just the outside and front that gets done... (I told you to stop reading, Mom...) ALL OF THE HAIR in the whole region gets addressed. Hehehehehe.

Anyway – I really, super like the results of this. I could get used to this being part of my regular routine of self-maintenance. And I didn't break out in bumps, probably because I did not use a razor. I lotioned up immediately after I was done, and a few times after that, and never had a problem. Still a week later, my hair isn't growing in, so I've confirmed my initial reaction to cream hair removal as being a better way than razors simply because if done right, it lasts longer.

Lastly, I want to write a short list (according to Laura) of reasons why setting goals is good for your health.

1. Maybe you'll actually get something done, and the happy endorphins will release and cause less stress.
2. Reach for the moon, you'll land in the stars. (I told you that before...) It's true – even if you don't finish each thing on your list in the time you originally gave yourself, let yourself feel good for all that you did manage to accomplish. I think eventually we learn to write better lists so that we can accomplish everything on them.
3. If we never set a goal, we'll reach it every time. (I didn't make that one up, either.) Ouch, right? Healthy people understand that staying busy is essential. Crazy people are too busy, (ahem), but there's a healthy place in between goal-less and super-human. It's called healthy.
4. Read O'Henry's, “The Last Leaf.” It's my favorite short story about a woman who's dying of pneumonia, and she's so weak that there's no fight left in her. She vows to let go and let herself die as soon as the last leaf on the little tree outside her window has fallen. Well, that little leaf hangs on, and hangs on, until one day... (So read the story.) A goal can sometimes be that one thing between success and letting go...
5. Health depends upon our attitude. If we have a good attitude, we are more charged to make choices that are good for us. A goal is a tool. We can set a goal when we have rotten attitudes; we can set it out of necessity or this deeply-rooted sense of doing what we know we should. When we begin disciplining ourselves to make small, baby steps toward that goal, it can be the defining moment toward ultimately changing our lives, and eventually finding health.

Making positive choices is no joke. Health is the only way we can enjoy life on this earth. Plagued with disease and exhaustion, (too much) extra weight, and stresses about things we can't change – nothing will drag us down to death or mere existence faster.

Next blog, obviously an update on the free-weight and exercise ball routine. I will also talk about how my stretching is going, and some choices about food and drink I am making.

And, of course, if I see Brussell again, I'll tell you, and sprinkle in something eagle-ish and inspirational. (Did you know that there are no eagles in Hawaii? None of any kind... It's the only of the fifty states where none are spotted, ever...)

xoxo

Until next time...

Laura Lee

Good Day Sunshine!

"I need to laugh, and when the sun is out
I've got something I can laugh about
I feel good, in a special way
I'm in love and it's a sunny day ..."

It is incredible outside today. I know, I know. It's still midwest winter. But it will be OK. That's going to be my mantra until spring.

Until my butt-thigh makeover deadline, actually.

IT WILL BE OK.

I am starting to feel stronger, like I can take on my many things I love to do and commit to do.

I asked myself this week what I love doing more than anything in the world. It was difficult to answer. I decided that I love writing. I write every day, to some extent. I rarely have no words (take me to a doctor if I run out of words). Thirty-almost-nine-years into this journey here and I have truly never been at a loss...

I love playing piano, singing, sewing, baking, walking, dancing, and talking about holistic health... but nothing quite compares to writing. My daughter looked at me yesterday and said, “You should write all the time, Mom, because it makes you happy. I've never seen you so happy...”

The only reason I am telling you this is because what I love most in the world to do, what I hope to someday turn into a way to make a living for my kids and me (writing, in case you didn't pick up on that,) is also completely counter-productive to staying fit. :(

Sitting on your butt, writing about walking, writing about dancing and climbing and sex, writing about drinking green tea and water (all while sipping super-sized iced coffees), stopping to eat a little piece of holiday fudge or to take a nap... I can see how some people and writing could become a treacherous marriage of delusion. It takes much effort to maintain a healthy body in today's society.

So maybe you are not in love with writing, like I am. It's just an example. I have talked with many people lately about “The Way We Grew Up.” Do you remember winters of our youth? I know I'm not crazy when I tell you that I spent every day outside. Winters we were out making snowmen, sledding, skating, skiing, riding snowmobiles, or simply exploring the woods. We wore our winter garb until it was soaked, and then we went to the “B” winter garb, which often included socks on our hands and plastic bags on our feet with rubber bands around the ankles to hold them up. (I had never heard of American Eagle Outfitters or Aeropostle, so I didn't require name brand winterwear in order to go outside.) By the time the “B” garb was soaked, our “A” garb was dry on the heating vent and we put it back on.

How did we get from there to needing gadgets and special gear before we can even get moving? Little wrist-watch-style trackers that plug into our brain cells and tell us things we think we need to know about our bodies in order to move them; special sports carb gels to replenish bodies (on sale for $1.49 each!!!), and these incredible shoes and boots for every imaginable activity. I understand that tools to help us achieve goals without harming ourselves are good and worthy. I just think we might set ourselves up for quitting before we even really start.

I think teens have something over us on this. Let's extract a little. I do not have cable, there is one computer we all share (and my kids tell me I am really stingy about sharing, so they aren't on very often,) the kids don't have cell phones, and we live on a farm in the middle of nowhere. So I will use my “bored-out-of-their-minds” kids as examples.

Against their wills, they find things to do!

I know I've said some of this before, but I am looking at positive things about being who we are, where we are, how we are.

1.) We put CDs in the DVD-player and dance for forty-five minutes. Maybe we don't dance straight through, but the way I see it, it's better than if we didn't do it at all.

2.) When we go to the store, I park far away. I don't like fighting for a close spot because I have anxiety in crowds anyway. The walking is actually OK. It might not be more than a three-minute-walk, but that's six minutes once we walk back to our car after the shopping is done. It's cold, so we walk fast. That's probably 3/8 of a mile, in reality. Two stores later and we've done a mile. :)

3.) This one might be difficult: My kids have always climbed the doorways. It amazes me. The older they get, they more difficult it is, but my eight-year-old can still climb (like Spiderman) to the top. I don't know how to apply this. I probably shouldn't have mentioned it.  Hmm.

4.) Because we are all creative, it makes us fairly disorganized and forgetful. This isn't the worst thing in the world when it comes to fitness, because it means we have to go back in the house, all the way up the stairs, into the room, down, up, down, and up again looking for socks, coats, shoes, papers, purses, etc. (This was a stretch...)

Implementing little things into each day which increase movement is my goal. I have committed to sitting on my butt a lot with all the writing I am doing. When I'm not writing, I am often playing the piano, which is still sitting. I know I'm not alone in my frustrating realization that I no longer move the way I used to, even if I still think I do.

I still have to decide about joining that gym (even though I feel more powerful and capable of doing it myself than I did the last time I blogged). I feel that my money could be better spent elsewhere. Although, if I don't incorporate activity on a regular basis, I ought to spend the money on a membership, I guess. I, one of the most frugal spenders you will ever meet, would never spend money on a gym membership and then proceed to not use it. There is a point to spending money on something. It makes us value it more, even if we can technically get the same results without spending the money.

To update you, my fabulous followers and friends, I have been eating well this new year. No major indulgences. My skin is looking good, my energy is returning from my crazy, stressful, blue holiday, and my attitude is once again spilling over with optimism. I like me again. I am not going to make any New Year's resolutions or anything, since I already spelled out great ideas at the beginning of this blog. I continue to believe in the challenge. I continue to work toward the goal, ever-slowly at times. Faster now than a couple weeks ago, though.

The one thing I will leave you with today is this: I read a few months ago about a woman who lost a tremendous amount of weight. She regained control of her life and transformed her mind and overall belief in herself. It was really inspirational. The one thing she said that stuck with me was this: Don't own “fat-clothes.” There should be nothing comfortable about gaining weight.

I am really glad I have no fat clothes. I continuously go through my closet and donate clothes I don't wear and ones that are too big for me. It is what saved me over the holidays. I had a week there where my jeans were a little uncomfortable around my waist and I wanted to buy a stretchy velour grandma-suit and a box of donuts (not that I could eat them...), but I didn't. I endured the tight waistline, and changed my consumption of foods and liquids until my jeans felt good again.

Beauty is not defined by the shape of our bodies, no. I do not look at others in a judgmental way regarding that, nor do I believe I am only about physical appearance. I would hate for someone to read about me in this blog and glean this inaccuracy. Beauty is very much about how we perceive ourselves and whether we like who we are, though. And if being fit makes us like ourselves more, then it is a worthy endeavor. I have found that when mama's happy, everyone's happy...

Next blog: Update on hair removal as part of beautifying, update on stretches and activities (including gym or no gym), and a list of reasons why making goals is good for our health.

xoxo

Laura Lee